Quids in the “North”: Analogize This

By Ryan Sparks

New staff writer Ryan Sparks speculates on the ways “Northern” quid faves compare with current sports greats.

Jeremy Boettner <—> LeBron James

(See above.)

Okay, it was a little too easy to draw this connection. They both play for Cleveland; they’re both tasked with leading teams to try and end a 50-year championship drought in said city. Both have a ridiculous work ethic when it comes to their respective sports. Both are born-and-raised Ohio boys, and each is a crazy efficient player. LeBron James currently leads every single statistical category in the NBA Finals. Last summer, Boettner went 20-for-23 shooting with 21 assists.

Like I said, easy dots to connect.

Tyler Walker <—> J.J. Watt

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Now, while Walker certainly doesn’t have the physical build of the top defensive player in the NFL, he certainly carries with him a presence that is every bit as intimidating. Both players underwent a position change (Walker from keeper to beater, Watt from tight end to defensive end) that has seen each achieve a level of dominance and stardom that they likely never would have achieved otherwise. Also—like Watt—Walker regularly does things that a human being should not be able to do (like single-handedly destroying an entire slowballing offense for a whole game).

Shane Hurlbert <—> Steph Curry

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I’m not saying Hurlbert is the best player in the game today. I won’t say that because he isn’t—plain and simple. Just like Curry isn’t. But, like Curry, Hurlbert can put up points in bunches. He also is a decent defender, but not exceptional. Plus, picturing him and Jon Jackson as Curry and Klay Thompson just feels right.

Dylan Schepers <—> Tim Tebow
(Addendum: the college football Tebow, not the NFL washout Tebow)

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First of all, I had to make a distinction between NCAA Tebow and NFL Tebow; they are almost like two different players. Schepers does what Tebow did best in college: he’s big, he runs through people, and he uses short passes when necessary. On top of that, Schepers is a soft-spoken, ridiculously kind person. He’s the gentle giant of MLQ.

Meredith Taylor <—> Richard Jefferson

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Taylor has spent her entire quidditch career being one of the most well-rounded players at her position, and, like Jefferson, has always flirted with winning the big one. That said, a national championship has always eluded her grasp. She’s a veteran presence who brings a lot of knowledge to the table. Also like Jefferson, she’s never had the flashiest stats or made the biggest plays, but is always the player doing the right thing at the right time, and she always puts the team above herself in every situation.

Devin Sandon <—> Tavon Austin

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Sandon is small, lightning-fast, and always a threat to score. Sound familiar? That’s the Rams’ Tavon Austin in a nutshell. Similar to Austin, Sandon may struggle at times, but he is always willing to fill whatever role his team needs him to fill, as evidenced by him splitting time at beater and chaser against Detroit last weekend. The biggest difference between Sandon and Austin is that Sandon isn’t the only person who can score for his team.

Brandon Ollio <—> Jim Harbaugh

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Ollio, like Harbaugh, is really good at his job. However, they both have a tendency to lose their cool, which can sometimes lead to trouble for their teams. I’m sure Harbaugh would get out on the field and play alongside his players at the University of Michigan if he could, and Ollio is a player that would go to war for his teammates if need be. Also, I just really want to see a quidditch Bad Lip Reading featuring Ollio.

Honorable Mention: Alex Scheer <—> John Cena

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This isn’t even your part of the country anymore, Scheer. Get out.

Yeah, I know, Scheer isn’t in the North anymore, but this is a counterpart that was too good to pass up. Good at public relations? Check. Warm, inviting smile? Check. One of the most polarizing figures in their respective field? Check. Wears cargo shorts like they’re going out of style? Check.

All that’s missing now is for Scheer to release a rap album and star in a below-average action film. (Please. For the love of all that is good and pure in this world—do neither of those things).

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