by Ryan Smythe
It was a quiet holiday weekend for MLQ West, and it looks like this upcoming weekend will be pretty quiet too. Funky Fiesta managed to run nearly on time—Jess Ward deserves a medal for pulling that off, despite having some issues with her jaw partway through—and my favorite part of the afterparty was having Mitch Cavender yell at me to live-tweet everything he did that night. So, with a down week to write about basically whatever I want (seeing as a certain writer at FBI has barred me from writing about the Boston Night Riders who remain undefeated) I think it’s time to have an unofficial mailbag.
For those of you who are not aware, there is a certain blog on Tumblr that we at FBI hold up as the gold standard for quidditch coverage. Because no one has talked about us on QuidSecrets yet, I am instead going to talk about it by pretending the submitted comments are emails to me.
You are correct. The best player of all time is Max Havlin, and you can ask his MLQ and USQ MVP awards about why I think that. He started out in life as a humble chaser, leading his Boston University squad alongside the FBI MVP Kedzie Teller. A few summers ago, he made the transition to beater in a move that turned out to be as unfair as Kevin Durant signing with the Golden State Warriors.
Facebook may have failed us all, but why the hell do you think SG started up FBI? Ball State’s Erin Moreno wrote a pretty fiery piece on that for us, and let’s face it: if we were just a teensy bit less classy, it would have been titled “Gender Maximum Changed the Game and You Should be Mad About It.”
The fact that we have a 237-page rulebook is enough of an achievement that it may deserve to get a pass from some potential firestorms. Michael Clark-Polner, Kym Couch, Clay Dockery, Dan Hanson, Nicole Harrig, Cindy Holden, Mary Kimball, Sarah Kneiling, Jared Leggett, Caleb Ragatz, Devin Sandon, Eric Schnier, Sarah Woolsey, Xander Manshel, Alex Benepe, Jared Kowalczyk, and Will Hack need to be commended for writing the damn thing, but also should probably chill the fuck out and release a SparkNotes version of that monstrosity.
Just because Liz Barcelos lives in California doesn’t mean that every horse she rides is high. At least, that’s who I’m assuming they’re talking about here. Either way, I did see her throw at least a dozen people under busses this past weekend. She insisted it was a fun party game, and we were all foolish enough to believe her.
This is the bus she used. It was ridiculous.
I can’t tell if this is a run-of-the-mill asshole commenting, or if Lindsay Marella is just bored and wants to start some shit.
Are you sure? Have you been watching any games in the past couple of years? The 2015 MLQ Finals had some of the closest games of quidditch I’ve ever seen, and they were followed with the 2016 USQ finals where we got to see QCB beat Rochester United by 10 points in fucking overtime. In terms of skill level, quidditch has never been better. Would MLQ have been possible five years ago? Would we willingly go to South Carolina for three straight years if we didn’t want to see if we could take down our friends and rivals?
Well, we also travel for the people. Some of them suck, but other ones also have names that are very easy to make a pun out of.
Happy belated ScheerkWeek y’all.
Oh, and Benepe still asks us to hang out with him, so has he really left?