Editor’s Note: Although based on this site’s track record it should hopefully be obvious, this World Cup preview series is intended to be satirical in nature. In no way, shape, or form do the authors of this series intend offense or insult; we hope we have offered none.
Sarah Goad: Hello, and welcome to the first installment of FBI’s preview of the imminent 2016 IQA World Cup. Unlike many of our cohorts and adversaries in the media, we decided that the best thing for everyone was that we stick to what we know best with our look at the upcoming games in Frankfurt.
That’s right, folks. We may not know analysis, but we know who we think is hella fine.
Pools A, C, and D were evenly divided by the World Cup committee into groups of five, so we decided amongst the three of us who would take lead on which of these three pools:
|POOL A (Bruce)||POOL C (SG)||POOL D (Ryan)|
|Uganda – DROPPED||South Korea||Poland|
|Slovenia||Austria||Peru – DROPPED|
The two remaining pools—B and E—were divided into groups of four. Little logic or foresight went into who would take lead on these teams. In the end, we squabbled over who fangirled the most over which athlete from which country, and these were the results:
|Ireland (Pool B)||Australia (Pool B)||Belgium (Pool B)|
|Slovakia (Pool B)||Germany (Pool E)||Brazil (Pool E)|
|United States (Pool E)||United States (Pool E)||Norway (Pool E)|
For this first installment, we will discuss pools A, C, and D.
POOL A – BRUCE
Pick: Jessica Tomé AND Etienne Pogu
Photo Credit: Aurélie Lee’ Jacquin
Bruce Donnelly: That is one fine-ass beating pair. Quaffle doesn’t need to score as long as I can.
Ryan Smythe: It’s a good thing neither of them have quaffles then.
SG: Oof. Like—oof. Helllooooo. I’d like to wave palm fronds at their feet and feed them brie.
Pick: Francesco Peciccia
Photo Credit: Italian National Team Quidditch Page
BD: Posted without comment. Let’s be real.
RS: It’s the hair.
SG: I don’t know what it is about Italian boys, but I am so on board. Call me, Francesco.
Pick: Robin Mier
Photo Credit: North Sea Nargles Quidditch Page
BD: Hey look, it’s a ginger chaser with great hair. That’s kinda just checking all of the boxes.
RS: I support all gingers, even when they play chaser.
SG: I want to build a monument to that left calf muscle.
Uganda – DROPPED
Pick: John Ssentamu
Photo credit: John Ssentamu’s Facebook
BD: Really, though. Who else?
Without him, we wouldn’t be getting to even see Quidditch Uganda; plus he’s clearly ready to go.
RS: Possibly the nicest human being I’ve ever met, and easily the nicest person in quidditch.
SG: 😦 RIP dreamz~
Pick: Borut Bezgovšek
Photo Credit: Aurélie Lee’ Jacquin
BD: Gosh, I’m such a sucker for braids. Halp, plz. Throw in those cheekbones. Swoooooooon.
RS: You can have those cheekbones. I prefer them covered in a beard.
SG: You could cut glass on those cheekbone. Jesus.
BD’s Pool Pick: My first inclination was Francesco, but I can’t really turn down that French dream team. Holy shit. So much yes.
RS’s Pool Pick: I’m gonna have to agree with Bruce here. A French beater pair like that is just too much to ignore.
SG’s Pool Pick: Guess I’m the odd girl out. I gotta go with Francesco. I want him to dye his hair pale blue and take my hand, kiss the back, and tell me he did it to match my eyes. Sploosh.
POOL C – SG
The United Kingdom
Pick: Lukas Twist
Originally credited to a mysterious, unlinked “Bianca Smith;” when questioned who Bianca is, Luke now says, “Sorry, I really don’t know any more ;(.” Perhaps the world will never know who took this glorious photograph.
SG: I mean—there isn’t really much to say. Y’all already know how I feel about blue hair. That side profile. Mmph. This is his third time on a UK national team; he played at Global Games in 2014 and at Sarteano in 2015. Very cool.
BD: I wonder if he’s doing an Indiegogo perk to choose his hair color.
RS: You mean Draco Malfoy. Look at him. Clearly Tom Felton is playing a practical joke on all of us.
Pick: Ecem Bedriye Satıcı
Photo credit: Van Klaveren Quidditch Photography
SG: Ecem isn’t just one beautiful lady, she’s ~precious.~ I want to give her hugs, and roll to the bottom of grassy knolls with her, laughing, and make daisy chains with her. And then I want to sit on the sidelines of Turkey’s games at World Cup and drool a little while I watch her beat people in the face. Unf.
That’s totally my aesthetic.
BD: Cute, short beater who seems totally feisty? Sign me up.
RS: Jesus, Turkey’s jerseys are so much better than ours. It’s not even fair, especially not when she’s wearing it.
Pick: Antonio Rodríguez
Photo credit: Antonio Rodríguez’s Facebook.
SG: Okay, so photo quality notwithstanding, I must use this picture because of those thighs. Those are some of the thickest thighs I have ever seen in my goddamn life. Bro must squat serious weight, or else he is blessed by heaven above. Lord give me strength.
BD: His thighs?! Look at those calves!! Christ Jesu. That’s more definition than Webster’s.
RS: I’m just terrified of anyone whose thighs are larger than my head.
Pick: Kyle Jeon
Photo credit: Matt Dwyer Photography
SG: Okay, so I really wanted to include someone other than Kyle Jeon here, but I mean—it’s Kyle Jeon. The Korean National Team is only taking seven players, so Kyle’s gonna be doing a lot of running around. I expect it will be a sight worth seeing, if you know what I mean.
BD: I don’t think there are many things I like more than watching Kyle beat. I know that roster limitations will drag him thin, but that just means more of him on the field. I’m not gonna complain too much.
RS: Kyle already carries podcasts, I don’t see why he can’t carry a team, too.
Pick: Lena Mandahus
Photo credit: Van Klaveren Quidditch Photography
SG: I guess I just really like cute girls who look like they could knock the contacts out of your eyeballs with a dodgeball.
BD: Isn’t this where Archduke Franz Ferdinand was assassinated?
RS: No, that’s who wrote “Take Me Out.”
SG’s Pool Pick: I’d say Ecem, but we’re Facebook friends now, and I don’t want to pine too pathetically for someone who A) is honestly way too hot for me and B) lives in a country too far away. My fragile baby heart can’t handle that kind of disappointment.
So I’m gonna go with Luke, who took forever to reply to my Facebook message about the credit for his photo and therefore probably won’t respond too enthusiastically to my not-so-subtle flirting. Yeah. Luke’s safe.
BD’s Pool Pick: You might not want to, but I will. Ecem: far and away. Just too damned cute and basically everything that is good and wonderful and pure and beautiful in the world.
RS’s Pool Pick: I will pick anyone who gets aggressively drunk with me. Luke wins.
POOL D – RYAN
Pick: Matt Bourassa
Photo credit: Matt Bourassa’s Facebook
RS: Because Jonathan Parent shaved his beard, the obvious choice is Matt Bourassa. Did you know that he’s a rocket scientist?
BD: Brains and beauty? Sign me up.
SG: All I needed was “rocket scientist.” Also, if you please: I direct your collective attention to this stunning photograph.
Pick: Ricardo Arreola
Photo credit: Jessica Jiamin Lang Photography
RS: SoCal all the way. I’m picking Ricardo because he will carry this team to greatness, even though he’s a Gambit.
BD: are thOSE BATMAN SOCKS!?!?!?! Great pick, Smythe! Clearly this is a beater who actually has some taste!
SG: One of his profile pictures is of himself with a parrot, so I’m gon’ say he seems chill.
Pick: Bex McLaughlin
Photo credit: Alba Arrieta’s Facebook
RS: Who are we kidding? This team is gorgeous across the board, but I need to give this honor to my second favorite Bex.
BD: I vaguely know the Bexes about whom you speak; I must say, this one is a total cutie!
SG: Super glad Smythe’s pick and my pick are the same for Catalonia. Def my first favorite Bex.
Pick: Olga Krzywicka
Photo credit: Olga Krzywicka’s Facebook
RS: Does sailing count towards World Cup? If it does, Poland just became the #1 team in Frankfurt.
BD: Idk if she’s cute enough to overcome my fear of boats; even if she isn’t, she’s damned close.
SG: She real cute. Ayyyyy, cap’n. Based on that devil-may-care smile, she also sort of looks like she could win a game of professional poker with literally no trouble. I’m thinking she destroys on-pitch.
Peru – DROPPED
Song credit: Sarah McLachlan, Séamus Egan, Dave Merenda
BD: You’re just showing how long you put off doing your part, Smythe.
SG: Double :,(
RS’s Pool Pick: *furiously waves Canadian flag* TAKE ME TO SPACE MATT
BD’s Pool Pick: I want to select the Peruvian team, in memoriam. Bex, though, is TOOOOOO cute not to pick. Phew. They’ve got it going all of the ons.
SG’s Pool Pick: Oh captain, my captain. Except actually, it’s Bex. Except ~actually~—it’s Matt’s calves.