World Cup Preview: 1st Installment

Editor’s Note: Although based on this site’s track record it should hopefully be obvious, this World Cup preview series is intended to be satirical in nature. In no way, shape, or form do the authors of this series intend offense or insult; we hope we have offered none.

Sarah Goad: Hello, and welcome to the first installment of FBI’s preview of the imminent 2016 IQA World Cup. Unlike many of our cohorts and adversaries in the media, we decided that the best thing for everyone was that we stick to what we know best with our look at the upcoming games in Frankfurt.

That’s right, folks. We may not know analysis, but we know who we think is hella fine.

Pools A, C, and D were evenly divided by the World Cup committee into groups of five, so we decided amongst the three of us who would take lead on which of these three pools:

POOL A (Bruce) POOL C (SG) POOL D (Ryan)
France United Kingdom Canada
Italy Turkey Mexico
Netherlands Spain Catalonia
Uganda – DROPPED South Korea Poland
Slovenia Austria Peru – DROPPED

The two remaining pools—B and E—were divided into groups of four. Little logic or foresight went into who would take lead on these teams. In the end, we squabbled over who fangirled the most over which athlete from which country, and these were the results:

Bruce SG Ryan
Ireland (Pool B) Australia (Pool B) Belgium (Pool B)
Slovakia (Pool B) Germany (Pool E) Brazil (Pool E)
United States (Pool E) United States (Pool E) Norway (Pool E)

For this first installment, we will discuss pools A, C, and D.

POOL A – BRUCE

France
Pick: Jessica Tomé AND Etienne Pogu
13301346_10154805475823368_1173041390181667166_oPhoto Credit: Aurélie Lee’ Jacquin

Bruce Donnelly: That is one fine-ass beating pair. Quaffle doesn’t need to score as long as I can.

Ryan Smythe: It’s a good thing neither of them have quaffles then.

SG: Oof. Like—oof. Helllooooo. I’d like to wave palm fronds at their feet and feed them brie.

Italy
Pick: Francesco Peciccia
13411727_581344782040134_7866942661915995936_o
Photo Credit: Italian National Team Quidditch Page

BD: Posted without comment. Let’s be real.

RS: It’s the hair.

SG:  I don’t know what it is about Italian boys, but I am so on board. Call me, Francesco.

Netherlands
Pick: Robin Mier
10620069_941723582609723_4282906320139466612_o
Photo Credit: North Sea Nargles Quidditch Page

BD: Hey look, it’s a ginger chaser with great hair. That’s kinda just checking all of the boxes.

RS: I support all gingers, even when they play chaser.

SG: I want to build a monument to that left calf muscle.

Uganda – DROPPED
Pick: John Ssentamu
914011_10153307803975596_104087180_o
Photo credit: John Ssentamu’s Facebook

BD: Really, though. Who else? Without him, we wouldn’t be getting to even see Quidditch Uganda; plus he’s clearly ready to go.

RS: Possibly the nicest human being I’ve ever met, and easily the nicest person in quidditch.

SG: 😦 RIP dreamz~

Slovenia
Pick: Borut Bezgovšek
13055817_10154705289368368_6855064498193359769_o
Photo Credit: Aurélie Lee’ Jacquin

BD: Gosh, I’m such a sucker for braids. Halp, plz. Throw in those cheekbones. Swoooooooon.

RS: You can have those cheekbones. I prefer them covered in a beard.

SG: You could cut glass on those cheekbone. Jesus.

——————

BD’s Pool Pick: My first inclination was Francesco, but I can’t really turn down that French dream team. Holy shit. So much yes.

RS’s Pool Pick: I’m gonna have to agree with Bruce here. A French beater pair like that is just too much to ignore.

SG’s Pool Pick: Guess I’m the odd girl out. I gotta go with Francesco. I want him to dye his hair pale blue and take my hand, kiss the back, and tell me he did it to match my eyes. Sploosh.

POOL C – SG

The United Kingdom
Pick: Lukas Twist
10514261_10203839631385650_5893478154589485961_o
Originally credited to a mysterious, unlinked “Bianca Smith;” when questioned who Bianca is, Luke now says, “Sorry, I really don’t know any more ;(.” Perhaps the world will never know who took this glorious photograph.

SG: I mean—there isn’t really much to say. Y’all already know how I feel about blue hair. That side profile. Mmph. This is his third time on a UK national team; he played at Global Games in 2014 and at Sarteano in 2015. Very cool.

BD: I wonder if he’s doing an Indiegogo perk to choose his hair color.

RS: You mean Draco Malfoy. Look at him. Clearly Tom Felton is playing a practical joke on all of us.

Turkey
Pick: Ecem Bedriye Satıcı
13072844_1041712152550879_8410107974808241467_o
Photo credit: Van Klaveren Quidditch Photography

SG: Ecem isn’t just one beautiful lady, she’s ~precious.~ I want to give her hugs, and roll to the bottom of grassy knolls with her, laughing, and make daisy chains with her. And then I want to sit on the sidelines of Turkey’s games at World Cup and drool a little while I watch her beat people in the face. Unf.

That’s totally my aesthetic.

BD: Cute, short beater who seems totally feisty? Sign me up.

RS: Jesus, Turkey’s jerseys are so much better than ours. It’s not even fair, especially not when she’s wearing it.

Spain
Pick: Antonio Rodríguez
11796342_886671194751214_4845915978261432948_n
Photo credit: Antonio Rodríguez’s Facebook.

SG: Okay, so photo quality notwithstanding, I must use this picture because of those thighs. Those are some of the thickest thighs I have ever seen in my goddamn life. Bro must squat serious weight, or else he is blessed by heaven above. Lord give me strength.

BD: His thighs?! Look at those calves!! Christ Jesu. That’s more definition than Webster’s.

RS: I’m just terrified of anyone whose thighs are larger than my head.

South Korea
Pick: Kyle Jeon
13063031_852664271522455_108059135585029746_o
Photo credit: Matt Dwyer Photography

SG: Okay, so I really wanted to include someone other than Kyle Jeon here, but I mean—it’s Kyle Jeon. The Korean National Team is only taking seven players, so Kyle’s gonna be doing a lot of running around. I expect it will be a sight worth seeing, if you know what I mean.

BD: I don’t think there are many things I like more than watching Kyle beat. I know that roster limitations will drag him thin, but that just means more of him on the field. I’m not gonna complain too much.

RS: Kyle already carries podcasts, I don’t see why he can’t carry a team, too.

Austria
Pick: Lena Mandahus
13516523_620658291422848_1279545009950023926_n
Photo credit: Van Klaveren Quidditch Photography

SG: I guess I just really like cute girls who look like they could knock the contacts out of your eyeballs with a dodgeball.

BD: Isn’t this where Archduke Franz Ferdinand was assassinated?

RS: No, that’s who wrote “Take Me Out.”

——————

SG’s Pool Pick: I’d say Ecem, but we’re Facebook friends now, and I don’t want to pine too pathetically for someone who A) is honestly way too hot for me and B) lives in a country too far away. My fragile baby heart can’t handle that kind of disappointment.

So I’m gonna go with Luke, who took forever to reply to my Facebook message about the credit for his photo and therefore probably won’t respond too enthusiastically to my not-so-subtle flirting. Yeah. Luke’s safe.

BD’s Pool Pick: You might not want to, but I will. Ecem: far and away. Just too damned cute and basically everything that is good and wonderful and pure and beautiful in the world.

RS’s Pool Pick: I will pick anyone who gets aggressively drunk with me. Luke wins.

POOL D – RYAN

Canada
Pick: Matt Bourassa
01Photo credit: Matt Bourassa’s Facebook

RS: Because Jonathan Parent shaved his beard, the obvious choice is Matt Bourassa. Did you know that he’s a rocket scientist?

BD: Brains and beauty? Sign me up.

SG: All I needed was “rocket scientist.” Also, if you please: I direct your collective attention to this stunning photograph.

Mexico
Pick: Ricardo Arreola
12525366_1050361931652199_106945879508535478_o
Photo credit: Jessica Jiamin Lang Photography

RS: SoCal all the way. I’m picking Ricardo because he will carry this team to greatness, even though he’s a Gambit.

BD: are thOSE BATMAN SOCKS!?!?!?! Great pick, Smythe! Clearly this is a beater who actually has some taste!

SG: One of his profile pictures is of himself with a parrot, so I’m gon’ say he seems chill.

Catalonia
Pick: Bex McLaughlin
13558691_1103318519714458_3052414900694734422_o
Photo credit: Alba Arrieta’s Facebook

RS: Who are we kidding? This team is gorgeous across the board, but I need to give this honor to my second favorite Bex.

BD: I vaguely know the Bexes about whom you speak; I must say, this one is a total cutie!

SG: Super glad Smythe’s pick and my pick are the same for Catalonia. Def my first favorite Bex.

Poland
Pick: Olga Krzywicka
12916168_1187258727997928_4909672879285905711_o
Photo credit: Olga Krzywicka’s Facebook

RS: Does sailing count towards World Cup? If it does, Poland just became the #1 team in Frankfurt.

BD: Idk if she’s cute enough to overcome my fear of boats; even if she isn’t, she’s damned close.

SG: She real cute. Ayyyyy, cap’n. Based on that devil-may-care smile, she also sort of looks like she could win a game of professional poker with literally no trouble. I’m thinking she destroys on-pitch.

Peru – DROPPED
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nSz16ngdsG0
Song credit: Sarah McLachlan, Séamus Egan, Dave Merenda

RS: :,(

BD: You’re just showing how long you put off doing your part, Smythe.

SG: Double :,(

——————

RS’s Pool Pick: *furiously waves Canadian flag* TAKE ME TO SPACE MATT

BD’s Pool Pick: I want to select the Peruvian team, in memoriam. Bex, though, is TOOOOOO cute not to pick. Phew. They’ve got it going all of the ons.

SG’s Pool Pick: Oh captain, my captain. Except actually, it’s Bex. Except ~actually~—it’s Matt’s calves.

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